How to support a loved one during pregnancy or infant loss

Miscarriage occurs in one in four pregnancies, meaning it’s likely you’ll know someone who has had one. Pregnancy or infant loss is an unimaginable experience for families, and supporting a loved one through such grief requires sensitivity, patience and care.

With October 15 being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, we run through ways you can support loved ones during such a difficult time.

Listen without judgment
Give your loved one space to talk, cry or remain silent—whatever they need. Listening without offering unsolicited advice or solutions can provide a huge comfort. Everyone grieves differently, so resist the urge to set timelines for how they should feel or cope.

Offer practical support
Grief can make day-to-day tasks feel overwhelming. Offering to help with meals, housework or errands can be a great relief. However, be specific in your offers rather than saying, “Let me know if you need anything.” Propose actions like, “I’d like to drop off dinner on Tuesday; would that be okay?”

Respect their space
While it’s essential to check in, some people may need time alone to process their emotions. Respect their boundaries if they request space but let them know you’re available whenever they’re ready.

Acknowledge the loss
While it may feel uncomfortable, it’s crucial to recognize the pain your loved one is going through. Avoid clichés like “everything happens for a reason” or “at least you can try again.” Instead, express genuine sorrow with phrases like, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

We asked people to share what others have said to them in an attempt to comfort them after pregnancy and infant loss. Here are some things that were said that were not comforting:

It wasn't meant to be.

Everything that happens, happens for a reason.

"It" probably wasn't going to be a healthy baby anyway.

Well, maybe this baby wasn't going to be cute like the next one will be.

It could be worse, at least...

You're lucky she didn't have to suffer here.

You still have time to try again.

She was too perfect for this world.

There must have been something wrong with "it", so you're lucky you lost "it".

At least you have one healthy child.

Her life wouldn't have been great quality and you would have had to do so many surgeries, and that's not fair for her.

Well at least you can get pregnant, some people can't.

Although you may be shocked by these responses, they are very common. We’ve probably all said things we didn’t intend to say when we were uncomfortable. This is why it’s important to talk about this.

Here are a few things that some of the women found comforting:

❤️ I’m so sorry, I’ve lost a baby as well.

❤️ I’m familiar with how painful this loss is.

❤️ She felt all the love you gave her.

❤️ How are you doing?

❤️ Do you need to talk?

Above all else, remember that everyone grieves, copes and heals differently, so it’s important not to judge someone or tell them how to grieve, cope and heal.

You may feel at a loss as to how to support someone during a time like this. That’s okay. It is uncomfortable, it’s real life, and it requires vulnerability and genuine connection.

It’s never too late to apologize for something you said. It’s okay to not know what to say. Grieving will never be easy, but with the support of loved ones who have made efforts to learn how to comfort someone with these losses, the shame and guilt may lessened.Your presence and understanding are the most valuable gifts you can offer during such a heart-wrenching time.

If your loved one seems stuck in grief, gently suggest talking to a therapist who specializes in loss. Professional support can be vital for emotional healing. We’re here if you want to talk.